I know better that this is not for me to forgive. One thing I had to forgive was myself - even though I wasn’t the reason I was sexually assaulted, even though it was not me, I had all these guilty feelings inside myself. All these years beating myself up. I had to learn how to forgive myself to be able to learn how to forgive others. A lot of people don’t see that as a key factor. My biggest issue on trying to kill myself was because I hated myself. I had so many underlying issues I was going through. I had to come to a point where to even ask for forgiveness, I had to ask forgiveness of myself.
I spent twenty years roughly being an emotional roller coaster mess. I abused alcohol; I abused drugs; I got in and out of trouble. I had a hard time in relationships, I had a hard time with my children, my own parents and siblings. I had pushed everyone away because I was ashamed of myself to the point where I wanted to kill myself. My thoughts were that they would be better off without me. I am an embarrassment. Not realizing why I was an embarrassment. I couldn't keep a promise. “Ya, mom, I'll be over at 5 o'clock for dinner.” I would never show up, never call. Not realizing that what I was doing, was hurting everybody.
When I screwed up committing suicide and I came to the next day, reality hit. I was thankful for that. The hardest realization was to realize that I blamed everybody else for all my issues. In reality I kept making them the issues. I was using my sexual assault and rape as my scapegoat for why I was messing up. In reality, it was Heath that was messing up because I couldn't take the time to open up my eyes.
I wanted to live. I wanted to fix things. The biggest mental challenge I had to overcome was forgiving myself. To forgive myself for everything I did to other people. I was given a second chance - therapy. I learned about my weaknesses and about my fears. My weaknesses were dictating my actions. That was very, very hard to learn to forgive. As a human we don’t like to admit we are wrong. I had to actually admit I was wrong in what I was doing and how I was acting.